I was diagnosed with human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) in 2007, but I believe I contracted the virus in 2003 from a former partner. Before we began seeing one another, I had most recently tested negative for HIV. He had been tested within the previous six months and had also tested negative, while assuring me he always used protection.

In the next few months, there were several times we didn’t use protection. (I know, it takes two to tango.) We eventually broke things off for reasons unrelated to unsafe sex but because he had slept with others while still seeing me.

Shortly afterward, I decided to get tested. Given his unknown HIV status and our inconsistent condom use, I knew I had a real risk for HIV, so I made an appointment.

Getting Tested and Hearing the Diagnosis

Going into the clinic, I knew my risk, so the diagnosis didn’t really come as a shock. It was a “Wow, I can’t believe it. Really? I knew I was at risk, but …” surprise.

Anyone who gets tested for HIV knows there’s the possibility of a positive result. For some people, knowing that today’s treatments can make HIV a manageable chronic condition may make getting tested feel a little less frightening. Even so, hearing the words “It’s positive” and “Your positive result has been confirmed” can be life-changing.

Finding Support After Diagnosis

After I received my results, I said to myself over and over, “I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to live with this illness, let alone have to go through lifelong treatment for HIV.”

That being said, getting to know others in my support group for people living with HIV brought me into focus. It was a springboard for realizing there is a great life ahead of me — and for living it.

The Questions I Had About Living With HIV

When I was diagnosed with HIV, I had many of the questions people may have after a diagnosis. I asked myself, “Will I develop AIDS? How long will I live? Will the treatment continue to get better? What about dating? Who do I tell? How severe will side effects from the medications be? How do I tell others I have HIV?”

Coping With HIV Stigma

One of the most significant and difficult parts of my diagnosis, however, was dealing with the stigma that still surrounds HIV. It put me on an emotional and mental roller coaster of fear, anxiety, regret, sadness, depression, and anger.

I was now diagnosed with the “dirty disease.” I had the “dirty little secret kept in the medicine cabinet.” I tested positive for the disease everyone talked about and warned you about — the disease that could make you an outcast from social circles.

Yet, there I was with the news that I had HIV.

Finding Acceptance and Self-Worth

Over time, I began to think differently about my value and dignity as a human being. Looking back now, after many years of living with HIV, I say to myself, “What a wonderful human being I am. What a good person I am, with dignity and self-worth. Our chronic illnesses — physical, mental, or emotional — make our light shine through every shade of darkness.”