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Your Diagnosis Experience
A myHIVteam Member asked a question 💭

How did you feel after testing positive?
How did it change you?
Did you forgive the person that infected you?
Do you know who infected you?
What advice do you give to someone newly diagnosed?

posted November 13, 2017
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A myHIVteam Member

In 92 after I found out. I walked right across the street to a bar and started taking shots. I lost weight and got down to 128lbs. I took ever charge card and bought anything and everything since I was only supposed to live for 7yrs or less. The meds I took were a government study and I'd chase them with beer. I came very close to killing my self. Then over time I reduced my drinking, started taking my meds EVERYDAY and realized I was going to be here for a while. Now I'm undetectable!

posted November 15, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

How did you feel after testing positive? I felt shocked and wondered how could this happen to me. I was so careful. I took a human sexuality course in college and we went over hiv and I was like oh I hope I don’t get that. And then a few years later yep I was it.

How did it change you? It caused me a lot of depression and anxiety. I felt lost and lonely. Then I sought out support groups. But those didn’t help because it was like everyone hooked up with everyone.

Did you forgive the person that infected you? I wish I could know how or who infected me.

Do you know who infected you? Nope never was told I was told by several “yes I’m negative”

What advice do you give to someone newly diagnosed? Don’t get down see good support groups and helpful sites. I wish this site started along time ago I could’ve used this help from others on here.

posted November 16, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

No real easy way to face this but thought sharing is caring. Maybe someone that reads this can take something good from it. That's the best anyone can hope for. Not to gain pity or sympathy, to learn and grow in ways we where not able when the shit hit the fan.

When I was tested and found positive, I felt... numb. I heard what the doctor said, I knew what it meant. I just couldn't feel it was almost an out of body experience. Remained that way for far to long. I even got worried. I should have cried, got mad, something. I felt nothing, thought of nothing but what does this mean you have to do now, from stricter cleaning to the finding a provider the care I would need. Even listed out names of people I had to tell. Two years later I've accepted the fact as just something added to a list of conditions that need checked periodically. Take the meds and move on. Not much feeling to be had than that.
I know I changed when the realization finally took hold. Every emotion that was delayed hit, and hit hard. I lost it, I was all the feelings at once. Then I blacked out, later finding myself in a hospital, being told I lashed out violently. I have never been a violent person. I broke down in tears not over why but what I did.
Forgiveness they say is for us, not the person that hurt us. As our lives are the stunted. My ex I have forgave. At least, I would like to think I have. I am not sure the actuality in that. When you call someone you loved, and trusted to tell them you found out your positive. Unsure of when it was come to contact with. You expect many things to be said. Never did I dream what I had heard. "I know, I found out four years ago. It never seemed worth the time to call you, because you'd be mad. I got it when I cheated on you with our roommate, while you where at work."

If nothing feel something let it out in some constructive way. Don't let a sense of surrealism last to long. The moment the veil is lifted and we feel again. It can come too hard. Leading only to a road of destruction. Be that our own life, or the lives of those that we love, and love us. Don't hold to the doubt and fear, putting everyone around you to the same standard of those that have gone before. Damnation of others for our own scars is as bad as repeating the pains inflicted on us. Don't be afraid to feel, to cry, to scream why, so long as you let it out. Admit you can't do it alone. Find those to listen. For me it was late to come, since then I don't shy from sharing my story. As long as there is someone somewhere that may learn from it.

posted November 13, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

Ive been through hell and back but unlike every one else me and my husband doesn't know if it was the blood transfusion in 2012 or if i had it and gave it to him or if he had it and gave it to me we wasn't careful in our past but one thing we do know is that neither of us has cheated on the other we tell our daughters to be very careful cuz we don't want them going through life like us treasure your body and be safe

posted May 8, 2018
A myHIVteam Member

After I tested positive I felt like I was damaged goods. Thought there is no way in hell anyone is ever going to want anything to do with me now.

It didn’t really change much about who I am. I used to be a bit more outgoing and carefree, I think i have more self awareness now.

I absolutely know who infected me and I will never forgive them. He just flat out lied to me about it. I can’t forgive someone who views someone else’s life so carelessly. I’ve come to terms with everything and I rarely let it affect me negatively.

The best advice I can give anyone regarding being diagnosed is to not let themselves be overcome by this, You aren’t going to die. You can manage this like anything else and still live a healthy, normal life.

posted November 21, 2017

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