I was a peer navigator and for my newly diagnosed people I look at it like a test I failed. I was with the guy who gave it to me for three years. Straight women are not really told we're at risk until we're diagnosed with it. I did not MAKE any guy I slept with wear a condom - lotsa women get on birth control to avoid condom conversations and to have a back-up random pregnancy is something we try to avoid.
No one 'looks like they have HIV' so there is no way to know and protect yourself form who you got it from. All you can do is not blame yourself and make it your goal to not give it to anyone.
Self love, grace, acceptance I think these things come with time after the shock wears off.