How Can I Manage The Fear Of Having Sex After Been Diagnosed With HIV? | myHIVteam

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How Can I Manage The Fear Of Having Sex After Been Diagnosed With HIV?
A myHIVteam Member asked a question 💭

Hello! I was diagnosed with HIV on August 2011. Since 2011 I had been so scared to have sex again. In my mind I used to think that sex (even playing safe) is related to further illness.

I know that sex life is important as any other life needs, but the fear to sex is REALLY HUGE...

CAN ANYONE TALK ME ABOUT THIS FEELING....HAD ANYONE LIVED THIS KIND OF FEAR?

posted November 7, 2017
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A myHIVteam Member

Honestly, if I wasn't already involved in a relationship with a guy who was already Poz and Undetectable, I would be completely celibate right now and probably for the rest of my life. But he has shown me that I can be HIV positive and still have a sex life.

So my advice, is to face your fear.

Find someone who you feel comfortable with, and is comfortable with your status.

Find out what they are comfortable with doing and honor it, with a condom/without a condom. For myself, I had no problem giving a blowjob, I perfer to have anal sex without a condom but would feel a lot safer if I was on PrEP. So we both agreed we wouldn't go any further than a blowjob until I was PrEP. Then once I was diagnosed HIV positive we had the discussion again, my position was blowjob, fine, anal not until I'm undetectable myself. And you know what, even though there have been times where I said I wanted to go further than just a blowjob, my SO has honored what I originally said.

My next piece of advice is: make sure your potential partner is on PrEP or is willing to go on PrEP. No matter if they say raw sex or condoms always. Between you being undetectable and the PrEP, (and the condom, if they so choose) you'll have a close to 0% percent chance of spreading. HIV to your partner.

Next to last piece of advice, wait for the PrEP to take full effect before going past what your partner says they are comfortable doing. So basically be prepared to stick to oral only or nothing but talking for a week (for a guy) or a whole month (for a lady. I know, that's really unfair. And no I'm not making this up, heard this straight from a Gilead rep last month at lecture he was giving for my support group).

My last piece of advice is, take it slowly. Never go faster than the slower of the two of you are willing to go. If they want to go do something that you're not comfortable doing yet, don't do it. If you want to do something that they aren't comfortable doing yet, don't do it. Wait until all parties are comfortable, and then do it. And just enjoy it.

posted November 8, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

Hahaha! Yes. Even with my knowledge, my work with HIV patients and having many friends with HIV.That was my first question. All these friends not only educated me about how to come out to someone who your dating or if you are 'hooking-up'. And some of them I had sex with, they wanted to comfort my fear and give me hope.

So beginning sex with other poz guys probably a good first step. And, you'd be surprised how many negative guys don't fear the disease and are fine with safe sex.

posted November 11, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

I spent many years no sex at all. Thank goodness for computers and porn sites is all I can say....

posted November 7, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

@A myHIVteam Member You're welcome

posted November 8, 2017
A myHIVteam Member

@A myHIVteam Member Don't give up because there's probably someone out there who feels like you. Maybe the two of you could help each other with your fears.

posted November 7, 2017

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