First off it should be recognized that I'm a weirdo. I'm also quite empathic. That said, I know I have loved ones around me & I think what they'd have to go through if I "left". The pain of having to come to terms with it, continuing on ETC. My heart goes out to them & I think to myself that I couldn't do that to them. Silly huh? Maybe, but it's about finding what works for us & not having to do what everyone else does. By all means if you're sick see a Dr., antidepressants work. I've been through my share of bottles of the stuff. I'm just hoping they'll come out with one that's Skittles flavored.
I also have this crazy notion that as strange as I am I make a pretty unique footprint on those around me with my personality. My pedicurist loves me. :) If I wasn't supposed to still be here making my footprint, I wouldn't be here. In my day I've traveled & came across many wild & dangerous creatures. (Not just the trouser snake mind you.) I've been in situations where I could have been easily extinguished by wildlife. Yet still the biggest monster isn't on 4 legs, doesn't slither or swim & isn't my HIV.
We all have our own unique monster footprint we leave on those around us, those we love & are close to. Life is short enough. There's no reason to turn out that light before it's ripped from our clenched fist. Not everything is easy, not everything is hard. Anything worth keeping is hard to keep ahold of.
I think it’s that you don’t think it’s ever going to pass, ever get any better. Yes, it usually does but it’s getting through to the other side. I so sympathise with anyone who feels like this, it’s a horrible place to be. The virus does compound it, be it through shame/stigma, lack of support, or indeed the meds, I hope everyone begins to feel better and good in themselves. And, for you Americans, you do have the extra burden of Trump 😉.
Just remember somebody care about you to be in a relationship with you regardless of your status. Basically at least you are loved.
I am willing to admit that I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. At that time my partner and I both had hepatitis C in addition to HIV. The treatment then for Hepatitis C was 48 weeks of interferon injections plus daily medication. I was in my 48 week when I simply couldn't get out of bed anymore and my relationship had tank'd. We had a terrible fight that day and he left saying it was over. I thought about this a great deal and I leave the reason I took such drastic action was because I couldn't face losing my partner. Through the help of some great therapists I have learned that I am worthwhile and no longer put all my outward hopes on someone else. That wasn't fair of me I wish I had learned my lessons long before that day.
I will tell you that it does get better and if you stay with it you'll find that you can be an inspiration to others and help them through the adjustments we all have to make.
I agree with MichaelEvan. You also have to take stock in yourself and realize that you are worth it. i really think you should talk with your doctor and do not hold back because there is hope for you and a lot of help. Just remember that you are loved and you got a lot of fight in you. We support you and want you to get healthy physically and mentally. You took the first step in asking for our advice.